I’m going to find another you, one day on the subway.
We’ll look at each other across a crowded space and the world will stop and the earth will rock and we will just be.
I’d like to think of love that way.
Certain and perfect and true.
I’d like to think of it like a house made of stone that’s been there all along but I never took that route to get home from school.
I’d like to think of it that way.
Think of it like I did in my youth, think of it like this ocean of being that will wash over me like an alarm in my head that will go off and say here, here is everything I have been looking for. I’m going to find another you.
I’m going to find another you in the darkest corner of the earth. I’m going to look there and find something that is almost just as good but it will be new and that will be good enough. Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder if I was just so tired of the bumps and the bruises and the scratches that have become us that I threw it away. Only to have new things that are beautiful and painful and are hard to walk in because we are worn in boots.
Nobody thinks they are beautiful, but I can walk for miles in them and I should have been able to walk for miles with you. I should have been able to walk for miles with you but I wanted everyone else to see the beautiful.
I wanted everyone else to think I was beautiful. I miss, I miss everything about you. I miss your hair and your eyes and your chest and the way you hold me in the middle of the night. I miss the way you held my hand or the way I would breathe in your hair because it smelled like musk and sadness and longing.
I’m going to run away, I’m going to leave this place and move somewhere with sandy beaches and sunlight all year round and probably sit in the dark and write the same things I am writing now.
I’m going to cut my hair and change my name and make sure that there is nothing left of me from when I was young and I found you.
I’m going to find another you, because I am going to become another me.